Day Three & Four

This weekend we focused on cueing Sun Salutations A&B. I am very comfortable with doing and teaching both series...my way. Learning a new way to cue is a good thing. It's pushing my teaching abilities and allowing me to grow as instructor. The thing I struggle with the most is cueing drishti's with every pose. Sometimes it seems like there are so many words and not enough time.

Friday I contributed a lot to our discussion about the five obstacles and three doubts of yoga. I did feel like many of my issues I experience in obstacles and doubts I am not alone in our group. It's nice to know that all of us are making a huge commitment and several sacrifices to complete this training. I think it makes it easier to fathom that I will make it to graduation day.

I know there are several people in my life that do not understand why I am doing this...I'm pretty sure there are people at work that are concerned about me doing this training. Yoga is very special to me...it's almost like a part of my religion. It makes me whole. It makes be happy. As I sit here on our couch writing this I'm tired but I am so fulfilled. Speaking of tired....

Today was absolutely exhausting.

We did a slowburn class all together in the morning and we took turns leading Sun Sal A's for a 108 Equinox event for a second afternoon practice. I did 100 freaking Sun Sal As this afternoon and it felt like all my chataranga's were strong. I felt very accomplished at the end of the practice and proud of myself for overcoming obstacles and doubt to make it to the end of all 100. I only did 100 because I taught some of the Sun Sals and we do not model during teaching...which is another big change for me but one I really, really like.

I learned a lot this weekend and gained some confidence. I am so thankful for this opportunity. 

I will say...I'm not looking forward to waking up to how sore I will be...I know there will be quite a bit of soreness throughout my body.

This week I'm challenged with studying the standing postures and to become comfortable cueing the poses without notes. There are also some readings along with our daily meditation, yoga meal, practice, and act of kindness/gratefulness. I love the changes these things are bringing to my life. After two weekends I already feel a huge shift. I know after eleven more weekends I am going to be the best version of myself that I have been in a long, long time.

Lululemon

I seriously don't get it.

Whenever I see a yoga teacher in lululemon I cringe. To me that brand is so anti-yoga. Sure spend $120 on a pair of leggings. Why? I can get a similar product at Old Navy or Target for 1/4 of the price. More than that, then I do not feel that I would be selling out to the brand.

Only the "best" yogis wear lululemon. What?

I think the best yogis wear Goodwill.

Day Two

#1 lesson: Be careful of how much fun you have on Saturday!

Our first module is Ashtanga. I have never done a dedicated Ashtanga class. I am familiar with all the poses in the series. Many I practice regularly, others...not so much.

When we practiced together on Sunday, I was able to feel what all these years of yoga practice has given to me. Humility. When I struggled in our balancing postures, I let a smile come to my face. Not having perfection in the pose was welcoming. I accepted it and moved forward.

I have experienced this many, many times on my mat. Attempting a pose and it not happening. Struggling and having to back away. Allowing myself to rest when needed.

Trust me...those things in my practice did not come easily.

The thing I am most looking to gain out of teacher training is to more consciously put forth the lessons and energy I learn on my mat to my every day life. I'm not that great at resting when I need. I'm not that great at accepting struggles or not being a naturally good at something. I have a Type-A Monkey Mind. I'm looking forward to letting quite a few of those monkey's free.

I was surprised at how rested my body felt this morning. My morning meditation quieted my mind...letting go of thoughts of what I may have said or did wrong over the weekend. Today I feel clear and calm. I'm looking forward to my practice this evening. I'm looking forward to my daily yoga meal. I'm looking forward to my evening meditation.

It's true. This is exactly the place I needed to be at exactly the right time.

Day One

One day down...24 sessions to go!

I feel very positive after the first session. At times during the discussion of homework, practice, meditation, and weekly readings I found myself becoming extremely anxious and worried. How am I going to do all this? How am I going to practice every day? How am I going to find the time? Most importantly...how am I going to find the energy.

Then I remembered...

If I was able to make it through grad school, fighting two of my worst undiagnosed years with Hashimoto's...three months of yoga school? I got this.

When I finished graduate school I bought myself a right hand ring. I wear it every day to remind myself of perseverance and strength.

I had a dream last night that I got a wrist tattoo for my yoga journey.

I like that idea...because it's something I can take everywhere with me...just like my grad school ring. I am not a huge jewelry person so right now I do not find myself wanting to do something like that again. I don't know. This thought just came to me as I sat down to write this reflection. I am sure whatever I should do with present itself to me when I'm ready.

New Adventure

Tonight I will begin my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Certification.

I'm Excited.
I'm Nervous.
I'm Overjoyed.
I'm Terrified.
I'm Anxious.

I have an intention to document my journey through this blog. So stay tuned.

I can't wait to write and read my day one post compared to graduation day on December 13th.

A Horrible Hospital

Yesterday I went to a long awaited appointment to see a highly sought endocrinologist. The long struggle with getting an accurate diagnosis of Hashimotos Thyroditis took a painful five years. Since finally getting an answer in 2009 I have continuously struggled with several extreme issues with no resolve: chronic fatigue, unexplainable weight gain, hair loss, easy bruising, depression and anxiety, dry skin, balance issues...the list goes on.

Imagine my excitement to be finally going to a very large and notable hospital to see one of the top endocringologist docs in our Nation. This doctor sees my father and he and my stepmom dote on the greatness and wonderfulness of this doctor. Finally I thought...someone is going to believe me...finally more answers.

Yesterday was not the transcendent experience I so desperately have been seeking. Instead I left feeling defeated and heartbroken.

Another doctor that does not believe a word I say about my diet and exercise. This doctor took his advice to a whole new level and asked me if I had considered bariatric surgery.

Now all I can think and feel is my god I must be so freaking huge and I don't even know it? I can't workout any harder; well I could but I've been there done that and it's not healthy. I'm not going to eat, as this doctor suggested, 800 calories per day as I know that is extremely unhealthy. I have done all the calculations, I know my caloric range and I record it daily. I can squat 200lbs, I can bench 110lbs, I can deadlift 175lbs, I can run half marathons, I can do yoga poses that defy gravity, I have an active job, my husband can attest that I barely sit still at home unless I'm sleeping...which is what I have to do when I'm not working because I'M EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME.

I am ready to give up. What does it matter? Why not just become the fat lazy slob every doctor thinks that I am. I'd certainly have more fun eating donuts everyday than counting calories and making sure I get the right percentages of carbs, protein, and fat.

I should have stood up for myself, but I didn't. I have tried to call and leave this doctor a voicemail to tell him how inappropriate his comment was to me and how much damage he has caused...but apparently the line is "busy."

Now I have to figure out how to get over such a hurtful experience. How do I pick my self-esteem and confidence up of the floor after this? No...I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm not made that way. I'm just tired of working so damn hard and no one believing me...no positive results for positive reinforcements. All I can remember to do is feel guilty for eating anything at all, or when eating being sure to vomit, and exercising till I drop. After all, that was the only way I was able to lose amount of weight, ever.

Please. Let's not focus on what I can do, doctor. You don't believe me. Fuck you.

A Head Start

The concept of young children (ages 2-3) going to preschool is very odd to me. The only preschool I had was Head Start the year before kindergarten. I LOVED Head Start.

If you do not know, Head Start is a preschool for poor people. All the kids in my class had similar family and financial situations as my mom and I did. I would like to say that leveled the playing field but it really didn't. It operated as normal preschools I suppose. There was a "rich," popular girl, a smelly kid, a weird kid, a dumb kid, bunch of nondescript kids, and me the redheaded kid. Sad to say there were even "cliques" in head start, but they existed. If that was happening in the 80s I shudder to think about preschools today.

I believe a day went like this:

Bus picked me up, first part of the day was learning and singing, then we had lunch, the recess, then more lessons, and bus ride home.

I have always been a big fan of recess. We always had recess indoors. I remember the wooden monkey bars that had to illegal because let me tell you it was not very sturdy. I remember it falling completely on top of a kid named Kenny. He had really curly hair and always had snot coming out of his nose. I didn't like him very much...but I digress. There were tricycles and blocks...the usual. We also had parties like normal preschools.

I can remember our Christmas party that happened 29 years ago. I am sure that the organization solicited donations to give all of us kids a good Christmas. Santa even came to give us our gifts. That was pretty exciting! That movie Elf has it right, everyone screams SANTA when you see the big guy. Our parents were there and we had a Christmas lunch. Seems totally normal right? Wrong. The thing that made this a disaster is that not all the gifts were created equal.

This was back in the rage of Cabbage Patch kids. I can't remember exactly how many girls there were in my class but all of us got this tiny Cabbage Patch that had Velcro on in and had a house thing... and there was one regular sized Cabbage Patch that went to....the "rich" girl.

It's so crazy that I remember this and remember how all of the rest of us girls cried. It wasn't fair and honestly it really wasn't. I firmly believe in the concept that in a large group setting kids must be treated equal. I also firmly believe that if one kid fucks everything up, that it ruins it for everyone. We have to teach kids how to function in a group, how to behave, how to share, how to treat their peers as equals.

So if you are having a little kid Christmas party...remember to make it equal. Some of them will remember this shit.