A Horrible Hospital

Yesterday I went to a long awaited appointment to see a highly sought endocrinologist. The long struggle with getting an accurate diagnosis of Hashimotos Thyroditis took a painful five years. Since finally getting an answer in 2009 I have continuously struggled with several extreme issues with no resolve: chronic fatigue, unexplainable weight gain, hair loss, easy bruising, depression and anxiety, dry skin, balance issues...the list goes on.

Imagine my excitement to be finally going to a very large and notable hospital to see one of the top endocringologist docs in our Nation. This doctor sees my father and he and my stepmom dote on the greatness and wonderfulness of this doctor. Finally I thought...someone is going to believe me...finally more answers.

Yesterday was not the transcendent experience I so desperately have been seeking. Instead I left feeling defeated and heartbroken.

Another doctor that does not believe a word I say about my diet and exercise. This doctor took his advice to a whole new level and asked me if I had considered bariatric surgery.

Now all I can think and feel is my god I must be so freaking huge and I don't even know it? I can't workout any harder; well I could but I've been there done that and it's not healthy. I'm not going to eat, as this doctor suggested, 800 calories per day as I know that is extremely unhealthy. I have done all the calculations, I know my caloric range and I record it daily. I can squat 200lbs, I can bench 110lbs, I can deadlift 175lbs, I can run half marathons, I can do yoga poses that defy gravity, I have an active job, my husband can attest that I barely sit still at home unless I'm sleeping...which is what I have to do when I'm not working because I'M EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME.

I am ready to give up. What does it matter? Why not just become the fat lazy slob every doctor thinks that I am. I'd certainly have more fun eating donuts everyday than counting calories and making sure I get the right percentages of carbs, protein, and fat.

I should have stood up for myself, but I didn't. I have tried to call and leave this doctor a voicemail to tell him how inappropriate his comment was to me and how much damage he has caused...but apparently the line is "busy."

Now I have to figure out how to get over such a hurtful experience. How do I pick my self-esteem and confidence up of the floor after this? No...I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm not made that way. I'm just tired of working so damn hard and no one believing me...no positive results for positive reinforcements. All I can remember to do is feel guilty for eating anything at all, or when eating being sure to vomit, and exercising till I drop. After all, that was the only way I was able to lose amount of weight, ever.

Please. Let's not focus on what I can do, doctor. You don't believe me. Fuck you.