The Number Game

I've been doing a lot of soul searching since I went to a fitness conference in Chicago in October. I am not your "typical" fitness person. Don't get me wrong, I am fit and healthy I just don't look like I spend four hours in the gym everyday. I struggle with this a lot.

I don't want to look like I workout four hours a day because that's not me and I think those types of fitness people are usually: a. crazy, b. egotistical, c. fitness stupid, d. rude. Fitness professionals that are "cut", I feel, are super intimidating to the general public. I think a lot of my success is related to the fact that people can connect to me because I look and act like an average person. This is where my struggle begins.

I am very fit but I don't think I look like it. When I tell people what I do I feel like a fraud since I do not look like a typical fitness professional.

When I was at the conference in Chicago it really hit me just how non-typical I am in this field. When I teach I'm not there for my own workout. I'm not trying to be super fitness lady up at the front of the room doing crazy air jacks. (I do not think that going all out while teaching motivates the people you are there to help; it is only going to make them intimidated.) I want people to have success during my class so they keep coming back. It's not about me; not even a little bit.

In my opinion most instructors these days are there to teach first and foremost for themselves. Some of the things instructors wear to class is ridiculous; not to mention the people that teach in full make-up. Why? Let your teaching skills and knowledge impress your students. If you only have the look, sorry, but you are not a fitness professional and you are doing so much harm to this field and your participants. Rant over.

I've been a avid yogi for about 15 years. At this fitness conference I felt a very strong pull towards taking my yoga practice deeper, which I have done since October. I love the way yoga makes me feel and I love the internal work it does for my mind. I'm a better person when I have time on my mat. Yet...here again... I'm not your typical yoga instructor.

And maybe that's ok.

I struggle with eating and exercise every day. Whenever I eat, I feel guilty and I'm tired of it. Whenever I take a day off exercise I feel guilty and I'm tired of it.

Maybe this weight and size is just who I am and I need to finally accept it. This is where my head is at currently. I just want to eat and exercise like a normal healthy person. I want to have energy to do things beside exercise. I want to stop wasting my energy worrying about what I look like and what I weigh. I want to stop wasting my energy trying to make people like me.

This is who I am. I'm a slightly overweight fitness professional. I can run a half-marathon. I can leg press 300lbs. I can do some crazy yoga postures. I can teach a Zumba class and not get winded. I love to eat and I love to drink. I work hard and I play hard.

Why is there anything wrong with any of that? There's nothing wrong with any of that. That's what I'm trying to tell myself. That's what I want the world to understand. There is so much more to health and fitness than numbers. I'm tired of playing the number game.