In my last post I hinted to how cruel kids can be emotionally. I was never physically bullied but I still have healing wounds from words all those years ago.
When I was very young, I was small for my age; always a late bloomer. I think most kids go through a chubby stage before a growth spurt. The crazy thing is, when I look at those pictures of myself in my "chubby" stage...I really just looked like every other kid. I don't know why but I have been hyper-aware of my appearance from a young age.
I will admit, I did get overweight in 5th grade. I don't think it was anything outrageous. I was still very active. I played basketball in 5th and 6th grade and in 7th grade I tried out for Volleyball, Basketball, and Cheerleading. My very best friend, Rachel, made the squad in 7th grade. She and I would practice together for hours to get ready for my 8th grade audition.
My hard work paid off and I made the squad in 8th grade; even though there was a rumor "I was actually supposed to have made it." I guess that started to fuel my fire. I practiced all.the.time. Let me just say, for a stocky German girl, I can jump. I loved cheering and it helped me to begin to come out of my shell.
I made the Freshman squad and the Varsity Homecoming game in 1995 is today's destination. I was so excited that we got to cheer with the awesome Varsity girls that I worshiped. I remember the butterflies and the feeling of looking up into that big crowd with a huge smile on my face... GO FLIERS!
It seemed like a dream come true. And it was...until 3rd quarter.
The freshman squad was moved to cheer along the 20 yard line where all the kids sit. If I was a coach I would do the same thing. We were doing a cheer when all of a sudden I hear "your fat *clap clap* lose weight *clap clap.* Yes, it was directed at me. The confidence and joy I had up until that moment shattered. After we were done with our cheer, I put on my best smile and did the best damn toe touch you have ever seen. "Wow, the kids said, you're really good." But it was too late all I could hear was their claps like a never-ending drum and their words like the sharpest blade to my heart.
Two of my best qualities are determination and perseverance. Even though their chant damaged me to my core it also gave me great motivation. I practiced harder than before, determined to make the JV squad for Sophomore year. I did in fact make JV and that summer began my journey down the rabbit hole. I began running almost every night. I got a MTV Crunch Hip Hop video and would dance until I dropped. One night my mom made hamburger helper for dinner, one of my favorites. After dinner I decided to go running. I can't remember why I decided this, but I stopped at a park on my route and made myself vomit for the first time. With my stomach feeling flat and empty my heart soared with the thought of walking through the school room doors my Sophomore year and every gasping at how skinny I had become.
I did lose a lot of weight that summer. I remember how proud I was walking into the first day of Sophomore year with a new back-to-school outfit. Not a word was said. All I could think was...it didn't work, I'm still fat.
The running and purging and starving began to consume everything that I was.
I know those kids don't remember me or that cheer. Yet here I sit 18 years later and I can remember that moment like it happened yesterday. Too often we all speak words without thinking how they might affect another person. Our generation is not teaching the next how to embrace differences, only how to use words to break down those different from themselves even further. Why has it been ok for so long to treat people so badly due to their differences? It breaks my heart that so many people cannot live their lives they way the want because of what make them THEM. Everyone has the most basic wants, needs, and desires. We all want safety, a home, love, support, friendship, acceptance. When will our society understand that while being a human brings us all together, it's the unique characteristics that each of us brings to the world that keeps us together and allows us to grow.
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