The concept of young children (ages 2-3) going to preschool is very odd to me. The only preschool I had was Head Start the year before kindergarten. I LOVED Head Start.
If you do not know, Head Start is a preschool for poor people. All the kids in my class had similar family and financial situations as my mom and I did. I would like to say that leveled the playing field but it really didn't. It operated as normal preschools I suppose. There was a "rich," popular girl, a smelly kid, a weird kid, a dumb kid, bunch of nondescript kids, and me the redheaded kid. Sad to say there were even "cliques" in head start, but they existed. If that was happening in the 80s I shudder to think about preschools today.
I believe a day went like this:
Bus picked me up, first part of the day was learning and singing, then we had lunch, the recess, then more lessons, and bus ride home.
I have always been a big fan of recess. We always had recess indoors. I remember the wooden monkey bars that had to illegal because let me tell you it was not very sturdy. I remember it falling completely on top of a kid named Kenny. He had really curly hair and always had snot coming out of his nose. I didn't like him very much...but I digress. There were tricycles and blocks...the usual. We also had parties like normal preschools.
I can remember our Christmas party that happened 29 years ago. I am sure that the organization solicited donations to give all of us kids a good Christmas. Santa even came to give us our gifts. That was pretty exciting! That movie Elf has it right, everyone screams SANTA when you see the big guy. Our parents were there and we had a Christmas lunch. Seems totally normal right? Wrong. The thing that made this a disaster is that not all the gifts were created equal.
This was back in the rage of Cabbage Patch kids. I can't remember exactly how many girls there were in my class but all of us got this tiny Cabbage Patch that had Velcro on in and had a house thing... and there was one regular sized Cabbage Patch that went to....the "rich" girl.
It's so crazy that I remember this and remember how all of the rest of us girls cried. It wasn't fair and honestly it really wasn't. I firmly believe in the concept that in a large group setting kids must be treated equal. I also firmly believe that if one kid fucks everything up, that it ruins it for everyone. We have to teach kids how to function in a group, how to behave, how to share, how to treat their peers as equals.
So if you are having a little kid Christmas party...remember to make it equal. Some of them will remember this shit.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Yes You Can
Do you know what I hate about this time of year? All of the fitness magazines posting how many minutes you need to exercise to burn off thanksgiving fare.
Dudes. Your body does actually need calories to function. For most of us, we need at least 2,000 calories a day to stay alive. OMG your slice of pie has 250 calories, perspective please! Once again here we are making people feel guilty for EATING. Thanksgiving dinners do not have to be outrageous, and if you do splurge, it's one day. I think I have a better message for you to follow.
1. Keep your exercise schedule. I know this is a tough one with family and friends to visit but you will thank yourself if you can keep your schedule going. Try to find ways to make fitness family time too. Take a walk, take extra laps around the store while shopping, have a Wii Fitness Challenge, or my new favorite have a Planksgiving Contest! Who can hold a plank the longest?
2. Stay Hydrated. Be sure to keep drinking lots of water! Especially when it gets cold we tend to ignore our thirst and then our thirst often gets mistaken for hunger. Take a bottle of water with you everywhere and try to fill it up 8 times each day.
3. Snack Smart. Decide what you are looking most forward to indulging in on Thanksgiving Day. Then make a plan to snack smart the rest of the time. Stick to veggies and low-fat snacks so that you can enjoy Thanksgiving day without giving extra calories a second thought.
4. Find time to be Grateful. It’s what the season is all about! Just think…how awesome is it that you are able to have Thanksgiving dinner? That you have family and friends! What else can you write down? Make a list and find time to reflect each day.
5. Nice Matters. Here comes crazy traffic and crazy lines everywhere you go. It’s easy to get irritated at the wrong people. Try to do as many good deeds as you can when you are out and about. Let someone in that is trying to turn left, let someone with only a few items go ahead of you in line, say thank you to the cashier, give a stranger a compliment, and share lots of smiles.
Dudes. Your body does actually need calories to function. For most of us, we need at least 2,000 calories a day to stay alive. OMG your slice of pie has 250 calories, perspective please! Once again here we are making people feel guilty for EATING. Thanksgiving dinners do not have to be outrageous, and if you do splurge, it's one day. I think I have a better message for you to follow.
1. Keep your exercise schedule. I know this is a tough one with family and friends to visit but you will thank yourself if you can keep your schedule going. Try to find ways to make fitness family time too. Take a walk, take extra laps around the store while shopping, have a Wii Fitness Challenge, or my new favorite have a Planksgiving Contest! Who can hold a plank the longest?
2. Stay Hydrated. Be sure to keep drinking lots of water! Especially when it gets cold we tend to ignore our thirst and then our thirst often gets mistaken for hunger. Take a bottle of water with you everywhere and try to fill it up 8 times each day.
3. Snack Smart. Decide what you are looking most forward to indulging in on Thanksgiving Day. Then make a plan to snack smart the rest of the time. Stick to veggies and low-fat snacks so that you can enjoy Thanksgiving day without giving extra calories a second thought.
4. Find time to be Grateful. It’s what the season is all about! Just think…how awesome is it that you are able to have Thanksgiving dinner? That you have family and friends! What else can you write down? Make a list and find time to reflect each day.
5. Nice Matters. Here comes crazy traffic and crazy lines everywhere you go. It’s easy to get irritated at the wrong people. Try to do as many good deeds as you can when you are out and about. Let someone in that is trying to turn left, let someone with only a few items go ahead of you in line, say thank you to the cashier, give a stranger a compliment, and share lots of smiles.
It's time for fitness professionals to speak the language of what you CAN do, not what you CAN'T do. And yes my friends, you CAN enjoy Thanksgiving dinner.
d
I
Monday, November 24, 2014
The Number Game
I've been doing a lot of soul searching since I went to a fitness conference in Chicago in October. I am not your "typical" fitness person. Don't get me wrong, I am fit and healthy I just don't look like I spend four hours in the gym everyday. I struggle with this a lot.
I don't want to look like I workout four hours a day because that's not me and I think those types of fitness people are usually: a. crazy, b. egotistical, c. fitness stupid, d. rude. Fitness professionals that are "cut", I feel, are super intimidating to the general public. I think a lot of my success is related to the fact that people can connect to me because I look and act like an average person. This is where my struggle begins.
I am very fit but I don't think I look like it. When I tell people what I do I feel like a fraud since I do not look like a typical fitness professional.
When I was at the conference in Chicago it really hit me just how non-typical I am in this field. When I teach I'm not there for my own workout. I'm not trying to be super fitness lady up at the front of the room doing crazy air jacks. (I do not think that going all out while teaching motivates the people you are there to help; it is only going to make them intimidated.) I want people to have success during my class so they keep coming back. It's not about me; not even a little bit.
In my opinion most instructors these days are there to teach first and foremost for themselves. Some of the things instructors wear to class is ridiculous; not to mention the people that teach in full make-up. Why? Let your teaching skills and knowledge impress your students. If you only have the look, sorry, but you are not a fitness professional and you are doing so much harm to this field and your participants. Rant over.
I've been a avid yogi for about 15 years. At this fitness conference I felt a very strong pull towards taking my yoga practice deeper, which I have done since October. I love the way yoga makes me feel and I love the internal work it does for my mind. I'm a better person when I have time on my mat. Yet...here again... I'm not your typical yoga instructor.
And maybe that's ok.
I struggle with eating and exercise every day. Whenever I eat, I feel guilty and I'm tired of it. Whenever I take a day off exercise I feel guilty and I'm tired of it.
Maybe this weight and size is just who I am and I need to finally accept it. This is where my head is at currently. I just want to eat and exercise like a normal healthy person. I want to have energy to do things beside exercise. I want to stop wasting my energy worrying about what I look like and what I weigh. I want to stop wasting my energy trying to make people like me.
This is who I am. I'm a slightly overweight fitness professional. I can run a half-marathon. I can leg press 300lbs. I can do some crazy yoga postures. I can teach a Zumba class and not get winded. I love to eat and I love to drink. I work hard and I play hard.
Why is there anything wrong with any of that? There's nothing wrong with any of that. That's what I'm trying to tell myself. That's what I want the world to understand. There is so much more to health and fitness than numbers. I'm tired of playing the number game.
I don't want to look like I workout four hours a day because that's not me and I think those types of fitness people are usually: a. crazy, b. egotistical, c. fitness stupid, d. rude. Fitness professionals that are "cut", I feel, are super intimidating to the general public. I think a lot of my success is related to the fact that people can connect to me because I look and act like an average person. This is where my struggle begins.
I am very fit but I don't think I look like it. When I tell people what I do I feel like a fraud since I do not look like a typical fitness professional.
When I was at the conference in Chicago it really hit me just how non-typical I am in this field. When I teach I'm not there for my own workout. I'm not trying to be super fitness lady up at the front of the room doing crazy air jacks. (I do not think that going all out while teaching motivates the people you are there to help; it is only going to make them intimidated.) I want people to have success during my class so they keep coming back. It's not about me; not even a little bit.
In my opinion most instructors these days are there to teach first and foremost for themselves. Some of the things instructors wear to class is ridiculous; not to mention the people that teach in full make-up. Why? Let your teaching skills and knowledge impress your students. If you only have the look, sorry, but you are not a fitness professional and you are doing so much harm to this field and your participants. Rant over.
I've been a avid yogi for about 15 years. At this fitness conference I felt a very strong pull towards taking my yoga practice deeper, which I have done since October. I love the way yoga makes me feel and I love the internal work it does for my mind. I'm a better person when I have time on my mat. Yet...here again... I'm not your typical yoga instructor.
And maybe that's ok.
I struggle with eating and exercise every day. Whenever I eat, I feel guilty and I'm tired of it. Whenever I take a day off exercise I feel guilty and I'm tired of it.
Maybe this weight and size is just who I am and I need to finally accept it. This is where my head is at currently. I just want to eat and exercise like a normal healthy person. I want to have energy to do things beside exercise. I want to stop wasting my energy worrying about what I look like and what I weigh. I want to stop wasting my energy trying to make people like me.
This is who I am. I'm a slightly overweight fitness professional. I can run a half-marathon. I can leg press 300lbs. I can do some crazy yoga postures. I can teach a Zumba class and not get winded. I love to eat and I love to drink. I work hard and I play hard.
Why is there anything wrong with any of that? There's nothing wrong with any of that. That's what I'm trying to tell myself. That's what I want the world to understand. There is so much more to health and fitness than numbers. I'm tired of playing the number game.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Warm Fuzzies
Whenever it begins to get colder, I often think of my very first pet. It was a hamster.
My friend Caren had hamsters and I was in love with them. I'm not really sure how to all went down but all of a sudden my mom had taken me to a house where they apparently bred hamsters. I can remember this gigantic cage filled with hamsters. Seriously there were at least a hundred of them. I picked one out of the bunch (luck had it they also sold starter cages) and away we went.
I loved that hamster. It did not love me. Hamsters really are not that awesome of a pet.
My hamster had an unfortunate short life. Why I think about my first pet when it gets cold is because the room his cage was in did not have very much heat. He either froze to death or had a heart attack (the jury is still out if my mom had something to do with his early death; she hated it). My little heart was broken. I cried and cried and even stayed home from school that day to have a funeral. I buried him in an old hot pink pencil box, bundled in old wash cloths.
A few days after his untimely death I was coming home from school and noticed a couple of feral cats trying to dig up his grave. I freaked out. I made sure he was still in his plastic coffin and buried him deeper to save him from being eaten.
I have no idea why I ever wanted a hamster. They are pretty stupid and do not do anything; plus they smell bad. Growing up is weird.
I do think letting your kids help raise a pet can provide valuable lessons. It teaches them about service and unconditional love; even death and grieving.
In February, it will be seven years since we brought our cat-child home. I am coo-coo over this thing. She is like my child and I am completely obsessed with her. She has this awesome little personality and most days I can't get over that a living animal lives in our home. I love it. She knows when I'm sick and when I'm sad. She can be the sweetest little creature on earth. Don't get me wrong she is still a cat and can be a total bitch. I think that makes me love her even more.
I am forgetting the book title, but I feel like this cat is my animal spirit and that we connect. She understands me and I understand her. When her day comes I am going to need time off work. Thank goodness that is hopefully a long, long time away.
But seriously, how weird is it that we let animals live with us? They have a heart, lungs, blood, and a digestive system. Can you imagine me every having a kid? I would be a hot mess.
My friend Caren had hamsters and I was in love with them. I'm not really sure how to all went down but all of a sudden my mom had taken me to a house where they apparently bred hamsters. I can remember this gigantic cage filled with hamsters. Seriously there were at least a hundred of them. I picked one out of the bunch (luck had it they also sold starter cages) and away we went.
I loved that hamster. It did not love me. Hamsters really are not that awesome of a pet.
My hamster had an unfortunate short life. Why I think about my first pet when it gets cold is because the room his cage was in did not have very much heat. He either froze to death or had a heart attack (the jury is still out if my mom had something to do with his early death; she hated it). My little heart was broken. I cried and cried and even stayed home from school that day to have a funeral. I buried him in an old hot pink pencil box, bundled in old wash cloths.
A few days after his untimely death I was coming home from school and noticed a couple of feral cats trying to dig up his grave. I freaked out. I made sure he was still in his plastic coffin and buried him deeper to save him from being eaten.
I have no idea why I ever wanted a hamster. They are pretty stupid and do not do anything; plus they smell bad. Growing up is weird.
I do think letting your kids help raise a pet can provide valuable lessons. It teaches them about service and unconditional love; even death and grieving.
In February, it will be seven years since we brought our cat-child home. I am coo-coo over this thing. She is like my child and I am completely obsessed with her. She has this awesome little personality and most days I can't get over that a living animal lives in our home. I love it. She knows when I'm sick and when I'm sad. She can be the sweetest little creature on earth. Don't get me wrong she is still a cat and can be a total bitch. I think that makes me love her even more.
I am forgetting the book title, but I feel like this cat is my animal spirit and that we connect. She understands me and I understand her. When her day comes I am going to need time off work. Thank goodness that is hopefully a long, long time away.
But seriously, how weird is it that we let animals live with us? They have a heart, lungs, blood, and a digestive system. Can you imagine me every having a kid? I would be a hot mess.
Friday, November 21, 2014
The State of Our Union
During my professional career each place I have worked has run a solid birthday party business. Where I work, we have a pool, kids like to swim...easy money and a way to keep the building busy on the weekends.
I am working this Saturday and am already preparing myself for the birthday party madness. Yes, madness. I hate birthday parties and I'll tell you why.
First, I don't understand why anyone would have a birthday party at a location other than your house. Yes, I get clean-up as a valid argument but going to a location just means you need more eyes to make sure a child doesn't kill themselves or go missing.
Second, I don't understand why anyone would have a birthday party at a location for anyone under the age of eight. People, I have seen the biggest birthday parties for kids turning one and I just don't get it. That kid doesn't need all those presents and they are certainly not going to remember their first birthday. Do you? No you don't.
Third, I don't understand the amount of food that people bring to a location birthday party. You are going swimming. You don't need to eat like you are going to the electric chair before jumping in. Actually, we rather you didn't. The amount of food I have seen people bring is disgusting; or maybe it's the mess they made...actually scratch that, it's both things.
Fourth, I don't understand adults at a child birthday party. I have seen multiple parties where there are no more than 10 children but there are 50 adults. I'm sorry but I'm not chillin' at a kids birthday party. I have other things to do. Like drink.
Fifth, I've never had a birthday party.
Oh, you say! There it is, this is why you hate birthday parties. Not it at all. I guess I should rephrase that I never had a birthday party at a location. My birthdays were also just myself and my closest friends at home. My mom would make her famous veggie pizza and a cake and we would watch movies and play games. What happened to those types of birthday parties? Why does everything have to have so much glitz and glamour?
Not to offend anyone that reads my blog, but I hate large parties. I really did not want to have a bridal shower. If I ever have a baby, I will NOT have a baby shower. I don't do big parties. I don't want the fanfare and the expense. What I want is for people to come spend some quality time with me in a chill environment.
Now...I did like my wedding party. Although our wedding was very small compared to most weddings. Just how I like it.
Why does everything have to be so complicated and expensive? Dude, just come over. Invite yourself over if you want to spend time with us. We do not have children, we don't get having children. We have all the free time in the world (unless I'm working) so you have to come to us. Sorry about it. That's the way it is. I'm tired of driving across the State of Ohio. We live in a cool ass city. You now come to us.
Man. I'm snarky today.
Alright let me wrap this one up. Yes I miss people. Yes I want to see people. No I do not want it to be a big deal. I'm tired of being the one to reach out and drive all over creation. I've had a big year. New job, big move...I'm ready for people to come to us because you know what? We are really awesome and we live around awesome things.
So come visits. Or don't.
I am working this Saturday and am already preparing myself for the birthday party madness. Yes, madness. I hate birthday parties and I'll tell you why.
First, I don't understand why anyone would have a birthday party at a location other than your house. Yes, I get clean-up as a valid argument but going to a location just means you need more eyes to make sure a child doesn't kill themselves or go missing.
Second, I don't understand why anyone would have a birthday party at a location for anyone under the age of eight. People, I have seen the biggest birthday parties for kids turning one and I just don't get it. That kid doesn't need all those presents and they are certainly not going to remember their first birthday. Do you? No you don't.
Third, I don't understand the amount of food that people bring to a location birthday party. You are going swimming. You don't need to eat like you are going to the electric chair before jumping in. Actually, we rather you didn't. The amount of food I have seen people bring is disgusting; or maybe it's the mess they made...actually scratch that, it's both things.
Fourth, I don't understand adults at a child birthday party. I have seen multiple parties where there are no more than 10 children but there are 50 adults. I'm sorry but I'm not chillin' at a kids birthday party. I have other things to do. Like drink.
Fifth, I've never had a birthday party.
Oh, you say! There it is, this is why you hate birthday parties. Not it at all. I guess I should rephrase that I never had a birthday party at a location. My birthdays were also just myself and my closest friends at home. My mom would make her famous veggie pizza and a cake and we would watch movies and play games. What happened to those types of birthday parties? Why does everything have to have so much glitz and glamour?
Not to offend anyone that reads my blog, but I hate large parties. I really did not want to have a bridal shower. If I ever have a baby, I will NOT have a baby shower. I don't do big parties. I don't want the fanfare and the expense. What I want is for people to come spend some quality time with me in a chill environment.
Now...I did like my wedding party. Although our wedding was very small compared to most weddings. Just how I like it.
Why does everything have to be so complicated and expensive? Dude, just come over. Invite yourself over if you want to spend time with us. We do not have children, we don't get having children. We have all the free time in the world (unless I'm working) so you have to come to us. Sorry about it. That's the way it is. I'm tired of driving across the State of Ohio. We live in a cool ass city. You now come to us.
Man. I'm snarky today.
Alright let me wrap this one up. Yes I miss people. Yes I want to see people. No I do not want it to be a big deal. I'm tired of being the one to reach out and drive all over creation. I've had a big year. New job, big move...I'm ready for people to come to us because you know what? We are really awesome and we live around awesome things.
So come visits. Or don't.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
I Want You to Notice
As we approach the holiday of gratitude I find that my childhood revolved around simple pleasures. Many of these activities remain some of my fondest memories.
As we grow we stop being "noticers" of our surroundings. When we are young we are constantly being told to hurry up, come here, or stop doing that. Often times when little ones are moving slowly it's because they are noticing. Look at how green the grass is today. That cloud looks like a teddy bear. Did you see that purple flower? Do you ever wonder what life would be like if we could all slow down a bit to notice our world a bit more? I do.
I have always been a day dreamer. I love making stories up in my head. You can go anywhere and do anything without really moving at all. I often day dream to help myself fall asleep. When I had a commute to work I was always wrapped up in a alternate universe. Don't even get me started about running and day dreaming. It's a way to escape, it's a way to plan for the future, practice what to do in certain situations...I love it.
If anyone knows me, I'm made to go. Being idle drives me crazy. I always want to be thinking, creating, or doing. My mom has known this since I could walk. She was pretty awesome at taking my "noticing" ways and combing it with things to keep me on the go; while finding simple pleasures in our world.
Every Thanksgiving my mom and I would walk to Cherry Street park to collect items for our Cornucopia. I remember the brisk air. The smell of fallen leaves and walnuts. The squirrels chattering as they gathered for the winter. We would spend hours as she let me pick out the perfect leaves, pine cones, acorns, and the like for our centerpiece. We didn't have a traditional Cornucopia instead we used my Grimace Ronald McDonald plate; which was even better in my point of view.
I looked forward to our annual trip to Cherry Street park where I could hunt and forage for the things that I daydreamed would make the most beautiful Cornucopia in the world. This activity allowed my mom and I to spend time together, get fresh air and exercise, and it was free. Most importantly it drove my creativity and resourcefulness and it's a cherished memory that will last a lifetime.
Fast forward to today and everything is commercialized and it needs to stop. Do you know I went to the grocery store at 6am on the day OF Halloween and they already had up all their Christmas decorations? Don't you agree that everything was much more magical when the stores waited until after Thanksgiving to deck the halls. You know what's crazy? I bet we start seeing Valentine's Day candy the 1st of January. What kind of crazy is this?
I will be the first to tell you that I LOVE gifts. I especially love searching for and giving the perfect gift. If I ever give you gift, know that means a lot. But what about gifts that we can create? What about the homemade cards, notes, and Cornucopias? Why do we have to buy everything? What happened to walking and noticing a flower and picking it for the one you love? What happened to looking for the shapes in clouds? What happened to handwritten letters? Sometimes I think technology has gone to far. You know what? I miss the days of only have a home phone. I really hate being so connected to my phone.
So why do we stand for it? Why have we allowed ourselves to stop being noticers? I'd love to you to share what you stop to take time to notice today.
As we grow we stop being "noticers" of our surroundings. When we are young we are constantly being told to hurry up, come here, or stop doing that. Often times when little ones are moving slowly it's because they are noticing. Look at how green the grass is today. That cloud looks like a teddy bear. Did you see that purple flower? Do you ever wonder what life would be like if we could all slow down a bit to notice our world a bit more? I do.
I have always been a day dreamer. I love making stories up in my head. You can go anywhere and do anything without really moving at all. I often day dream to help myself fall asleep. When I had a commute to work I was always wrapped up in a alternate universe. Don't even get me started about running and day dreaming. It's a way to escape, it's a way to plan for the future, practice what to do in certain situations...I love it.
If anyone knows me, I'm made to go. Being idle drives me crazy. I always want to be thinking, creating, or doing. My mom has known this since I could walk. She was pretty awesome at taking my "noticing" ways and combing it with things to keep me on the go; while finding simple pleasures in our world.
Every Thanksgiving my mom and I would walk to Cherry Street park to collect items for our Cornucopia. I remember the brisk air. The smell of fallen leaves and walnuts. The squirrels chattering as they gathered for the winter. We would spend hours as she let me pick out the perfect leaves, pine cones, acorns, and the like for our centerpiece. We didn't have a traditional Cornucopia instead we used my Grimace Ronald McDonald plate; which was even better in my point of view.
I looked forward to our annual trip to Cherry Street park where I could hunt and forage for the things that I daydreamed would make the most beautiful Cornucopia in the world. This activity allowed my mom and I to spend time together, get fresh air and exercise, and it was free. Most importantly it drove my creativity and resourcefulness and it's a cherished memory that will last a lifetime.
Fast forward to today and everything is commercialized and it needs to stop. Do you know I went to the grocery store at 6am on the day OF Halloween and they already had up all their Christmas decorations? Don't you agree that everything was much more magical when the stores waited until after Thanksgiving to deck the halls. You know what's crazy? I bet we start seeing Valentine's Day candy the 1st of January. What kind of crazy is this?
I will be the first to tell you that I LOVE gifts. I especially love searching for and giving the perfect gift. If I ever give you gift, know that means a lot. But what about gifts that we can create? What about the homemade cards, notes, and Cornucopias? Why do we have to buy everything? What happened to walking and noticing a flower and picking it for the one you love? What happened to looking for the shapes in clouds? What happened to handwritten letters? Sometimes I think technology has gone to far. You know what? I miss the days of only have a home phone. I really hate being so connected to my phone.
So why do we stand for it? Why have we allowed ourselves to stop being noticers? I'd love to you to share what you stop to take time to notice today.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Don't Speak
In my last post I hinted to how cruel kids can be emotionally. I was never physically bullied but I still have healing wounds from words all those years ago.
When I was very young, I was small for my age; always a late bloomer. I think most kids go through a chubby stage before a growth spurt. The crazy thing is, when I look at those pictures of myself in my "chubby" stage...I really just looked like every other kid. I don't know why but I have been hyper-aware of my appearance from a young age.
I will admit, I did get overweight in 5th grade. I don't think it was anything outrageous. I was still very active. I played basketball in 5th and 6th grade and in 7th grade I tried out for Volleyball, Basketball, and Cheerleading. My very best friend, Rachel, made the squad in 7th grade. She and I would practice together for hours to get ready for my 8th grade audition.
My hard work paid off and I made the squad in 8th grade; even though there was a rumor "I was actually supposed to have made it." I guess that started to fuel my fire. I practiced all.the.time. Let me just say, for a stocky German girl, I can jump. I loved cheering and it helped me to begin to come out of my shell.
I made the Freshman squad and the Varsity Homecoming game in 1995 is today's destination. I was so excited that we got to cheer with the awesome Varsity girls that I worshiped. I remember the butterflies and the feeling of looking up into that big crowd with a huge smile on my face... GO FLIERS!
It seemed like a dream come true. And it was...until 3rd quarter.
The freshman squad was moved to cheer along the 20 yard line where all the kids sit. If I was a coach I would do the same thing. We were doing a cheer when all of a sudden I hear "your fat *clap clap* lose weight *clap clap.* Yes, it was directed at me. The confidence and joy I had up until that moment shattered. After we were done with our cheer, I put on my best smile and did the best damn toe touch you have ever seen. "Wow, the kids said, you're really good." But it was too late all I could hear was their claps like a never-ending drum and their words like the sharpest blade to my heart.
Two of my best qualities are determination and perseverance. Even though their chant damaged me to my core it also gave me great motivation. I practiced harder than before, determined to make the JV squad for Sophomore year. I did in fact make JV and that summer began my journey down the rabbit hole. I began running almost every night. I got a MTV Crunch Hip Hop video and would dance until I dropped. One night my mom made hamburger helper for dinner, one of my favorites. After dinner I decided to go running. I can't remember why I decided this, but I stopped at a park on my route and made myself vomit for the first time. With my stomach feeling flat and empty my heart soared with the thought of walking through the school room doors my Sophomore year and every gasping at how skinny I had become.
I did lose a lot of weight that summer. I remember how proud I was walking into the first day of Sophomore year with a new back-to-school outfit. Not a word was said. All I could think was...it didn't work, I'm still fat.
The running and purging and starving began to consume everything that I was.
I know those kids don't remember me or that cheer. Yet here I sit 18 years later and I can remember that moment like it happened yesterday. Too often we all speak words without thinking how they might affect another person. Our generation is not teaching the next how to embrace differences, only how to use words to break down those different from themselves even further. Why has it been ok for so long to treat people so badly due to their differences? It breaks my heart that so many people cannot live their lives they way the want because of what make them THEM. Everyone has the most basic wants, needs, and desires. We all want safety, a home, love, support, friendship, acceptance. When will our society understand that while being a human brings us all together, it's the unique characteristics that each of us brings to the world that keeps us together and allows us to grow.
When I was very young, I was small for my age; always a late bloomer. I think most kids go through a chubby stage before a growth spurt. The crazy thing is, when I look at those pictures of myself in my "chubby" stage...I really just looked like every other kid. I don't know why but I have been hyper-aware of my appearance from a young age.
I will admit, I did get overweight in 5th grade. I don't think it was anything outrageous. I was still very active. I played basketball in 5th and 6th grade and in 7th grade I tried out for Volleyball, Basketball, and Cheerleading. My very best friend, Rachel, made the squad in 7th grade. She and I would practice together for hours to get ready for my 8th grade audition.
My hard work paid off and I made the squad in 8th grade; even though there was a rumor "I was actually supposed to have made it." I guess that started to fuel my fire. I practiced all.the.time. Let me just say, for a stocky German girl, I can jump. I loved cheering and it helped me to begin to come out of my shell.
I made the Freshman squad and the Varsity Homecoming game in 1995 is today's destination. I was so excited that we got to cheer with the awesome Varsity girls that I worshiped. I remember the butterflies and the feeling of looking up into that big crowd with a huge smile on my face... GO FLIERS!
It seemed like a dream come true. And it was...until 3rd quarter.
The freshman squad was moved to cheer along the 20 yard line where all the kids sit. If I was a coach I would do the same thing. We were doing a cheer when all of a sudden I hear "your fat *clap clap* lose weight *clap clap.* Yes, it was directed at me. The confidence and joy I had up until that moment shattered. After we were done with our cheer, I put on my best smile and did the best damn toe touch you have ever seen. "Wow, the kids said, you're really good." But it was too late all I could hear was their claps like a never-ending drum and their words like the sharpest blade to my heart.
Two of my best qualities are determination and perseverance. Even though their chant damaged me to my core it also gave me great motivation. I practiced harder than before, determined to make the JV squad for Sophomore year. I did in fact make JV and that summer began my journey down the rabbit hole. I began running almost every night. I got a MTV Crunch Hip Hop video and would dance until I dropped. One night my mom made hamburger helper for dinner, one of my favorites. After dinner I decided to go running. I can't remember why I decided this, but I stopped at a park on my route and made myself vomit for the first time. With my stomach feeling flat and empty my heart soared with the thought of walking through the school room doors my Sophomore year and every gasping at how skinny I had become.
I did lose a lot of weight that summer. I remember how proud I was walking into the first day of Sophomore year with a new back-to-school outfit. Not a word was said. All I could think was...it didn't work, I'm still fat.
The running and purging and starving began to consume everything that I was.
I know those kids don't remember me or that cheer. Yet here I sit 18 years later and I can remember that moment like it happened yesterday. Too often we all speak words without thinking how they might affect another person. Our generation is not teaching the next how to embrace differences, only how to use words to break down those different from themselves even further. Why has it been ok for so long to treat people so badly due to their differences? It breaks my heart that so many people cannot live their lives they way the want because of what make them THEM. Everyone has the most basic wants, needs, and desires. We all want safety, a home, love, support, friendship, acceptance. When will our society understand that while being a human brings us all together, it's the unique characteristics that each of us brings to the world that keeps us together and allows us to grow.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Dominoes
Growing up I lived in a neighborhood with a bus stop. Every morning, I would walk to catch the bus; with all the other neighborhood kids; to go to school. If I had to guess, the walk was no more than a quarter mile and I am sure took no more than five-minutes.
The bus stop was it's own animal. I am actually sitting here shaking my head thinking about all the craziness that would happen in a mere 15-20 minutes. It really quite amazing that no one every was seriously hurt --at least not physically.
Today I am on a time machine going back to a very cold and snowy day walking to the bus stop. My mom had done her best trying to wrap me up like Randy from a Christmas Story. How cold was it? I really cannot remember but if I had to guess, 20 degrees and lots of snow everywhere.
My mom thought I needed extra time to walk to the bus stop in my 20lbs of clothing that morning, so off I set in the winter wonderland. (Snow fall is pretty magical if you take a moment to appreciate the beauty.)
I have no idea how much earlier I arrived but apparently all of our parents had a phone conference on bundling up and shipping us out that day because I was not the only kid to arrive earlier than normal.
Our bus stop was on a corner, just on a sidewalk, in a neighborhood, close to a white house. One of my schoolmates lived at that house. I'll never forget because on this morning his mom opened the door and had all of us kids at the bus stop come in their home to stay warm. She made us all a cup of hot cocoa and we sat there in their living room watching Scooby Doo.
I'll never forget that day and the kindness that was shown not only by the homeowners but all of the kids showed kindness and gratitude towards one and other. If there is one thing I know, is that I'm not sure this story could ever repeat itself in today's society.
First, it seems like this type of weather we went to school on this day, like any other winter day, would have school canceled today. Also I highly doubt anyone would just invite kids into their home for hot chocolate. Or, if they were invited in ,there would be one kid that would make up a crazy story about being mistreated; because that's why they see and hear on TV...kids are still kids, they all want attention.
There has been a very weird shift in society with the power that is often given to children. Want to know why all these kids have crazy allergies? They do not go outside and eat dirt anymore. I can't tell you how many mud pies I sampled as a young child. What to know what young kids are so whiny and complain? Because their every want is coddled to. They can go to school when it's cold (the school has heat). They don't need to have hand sanitizer every five seconds. Bad grades are deserved.
I really do not understand the mentality of most people today. They complain over things I would never think complaining about in a million years. They write comment cards and post on social media things they could never tell someone face-to-face. Passive-Aggressiveness rules our society and it's time for it to stop.
Our world would be a much better place if my snowy day at the bus stop could happen again in our society. But it won't. Because we are all too selfish to open our hearts and our homes. We are all to worried about making face. We are too preoccupied with what is in our walls. We are unable to have empathy to our fellow man. It's all about what's in it for me, not for us. I challenge you to stop today ,because I know you will find yourself doing this, and ask yourself why. Then ask yourself how can you be a better person? If you give a compliment to the fast food worker, they go home happy. If they go home happy, maybe they don't hit their child. If they do not hit their child tonight maybe they will not bully yours tomorrow. Everything has a domino effect. What kind of dominoes are you putting out into our world?
The bus stop was it's own animal. I am actually sitting here shaking my head thinking about all the craziness that would happen in a mere 15-20 minutes. It really quite amazing that no one every was seriously hurt --at least not physically.
Today I am on a time machine going back to a very cold and snowy day walking to the bus stop. My mom had done her best trying to wrap me up like Randy from a Christmas Story. How cold was it? I really cannot remember but if I had to guess, 20 degrees and lots of snow everywhere.
My mom thought I needed extra time to walk to the bus stop in my 20lbs of clothing that morning, so off I set in the winter wonderland. (Snow fall is pretty magical if you take a moment to appreciate the beauty.)
I have no idea how much earlier I arrived but apparently all of our parents had a phone conference on bundling up and shipping us out that day because I was not the only kid to arrive earlier than normal.
Our bus stop was on a corner, just on a sidewalk, in a neighborhood, close to a white house. One of my schoolmates lived at that house. I'll never forget because on this morning his mom opened the door and had all of us kids at the bus stop come in their home to stay warm. She made us all a cup of hot cocoa and we sat there in their living room watching Scooby Doo.
I'll never forget that day and the kindness that was shown not only by the homeowners but all of the kids showed kindness and gratitude towards one and other. If there is one thing I know, is that I'm not sure this story could ever repeat itself in today's society.
First, it seems like this type of weather we went to school on this day, like any other winter day, would have school canceled today. Also I highly doubt anyone would just invite kids into their home for hot chocolate. Or, if they were invited in ,there would be one kid that would make up a crazy story about being mistreated; because that's why they see and hear on TV...kids are still kids, they all want attention.
There has been a very weird shift in society with the power that is often given to children. Want to know why all these kids have crazy allergies? They do not go outside and eat dirt anymore. I can't tell you how many mud pies I sampled as a young child. What to know what young kids are so whiny and complain? Because their every want is coddled to. They can go to school when it's cold (the school has heat). They don't need to have hand sanitizer every five seconds. Bad grades are deserved.
I really do not understand the mentality of most people today. They complain over things I would never think complaining about in a million years. They write comment cards and post on social media things they could never tell someone face-to-face. Passive-Aggressiveness rules our society and it's time for it to stop.
Our world would be a much better place if my snowy day at the bus stop could happen again in our society. But it won't. Because we are all too selfish to open our hearts and our homes. We are all to worried about making face. We are too preoccupied with what is in our walls. We are unable to have empathy to our fellow man. It's all about what's in it for me, not for us. I challenge you to stop today ,because I know you will find yourself doing this, and ask yourself why. Then ask yourself how can you be a better person? If you give a compliment to the fast food worker, they go home happy. If they go home happy, maybe they don't hit their child. If they do not hit their child tonight maybe they will not bully yours tomorrow. Everything has a domino effect. What kind of dominoes are you putting out into our world?
Friday, November 14, 2014
Maybe it's Yourself
As I have spent a lot of this week drifting in and out of old memories I have also begun translating how past me has become present me. I have been a regular exerciser since the age of 15, 18 years.
I started running the summer after my Freshman year in High School. The reason I started running is another post altogether. Where my story begins today is my Junior year in High School.
1997. Young. Beautiful. Smart. Talented. And 100lbs. I should never weigh 100lbs.
The journey to this weight was a twisted vortex of control. I wore a size 2. It's unfathomable to me how sick I was...and how I still wanted to be thinner. Except...it's not really off my radar. To be thin. It's always there, a faint voice that can still shout doubt and depression into my core.
I shall reveal to you much more of this story that sadly too many other men and women know all too well at another time. Where I'd like to take you today is what happens after you starve yourself and exercise to death for years...to where I am now.
Believe it or not, I sit here today as a Fitness Professional. I have a Bachelor's in Exercise Science and a Master's in Public Health. I have been teaching group fitness since 1999 and have been a personal trainer since 2002. My internal battle of eating and exercise has never stopped; I've just learned to be a better General.
In college, I began to notice that something was wrong. I was eating well and exercising correctly and kept gaining weight. I was exhausted, sluggish...I wasn't me. I kept making appointment after appointment to see the doctor's at the student health center. I knew in my heart something was wrong with my thyroid. Test after test said no. But why was this happening to me?
Finally after graduate school as I landed my first "big-girl" job, I found a new family physician. I actually went in due to a knee injury but ended up saying something about my troubles nonchalantly. He said he wanted to do some tests, to which I replied, I've already had all the tests. Not this one, he told me.
About a week later, after a long five years, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Basically I have antibodies in my thyroid that have decided my thyroid is a foreign object and has been slowly trying to kill my thyroid over the years. Hashi patients suffer because sometimes our thyroids spit out thyroid hormones and sometimes it does not. Many of us suffer severe hypothyroidism symptoms; such as myself. I now take a thyroid replacement every morning. I have my levels tested ever 4 months. And my roller coaster ride is never ending.
When I was at my lowest weight I felt powerful. Yes I was very sick. I was angry all the time. Hangry really. I was depressed. I thought everyone was out to get me. But I had control and it felt amazing. I've never forgotten how that feels. I crave it but my body works every second of every day against me.
The thing about Hashi's is you are on hell of a ride of the rest of your life. Even though I take thyroid hormone, my levels fluctuate most likely on a daily basis. Lots of the time, I feel great. I have energy, I'm happy, I'm healthy. Other times...not so great. Fatigue that I can't even begin to explain. Unmotivated. Depressed. The hardest part, for me, of having Hashi's is the weight fluctuation. It seriously does.not.matter. what I do, my body will gain and lose weight at it's will. I exercise most days of the week and my husband will tell you I'm a Ninja. I can eat like a rabbit or like a bear...it doesn't matter. I have no control.
I live in a world of getting ready to step on the scale, feeling good, and once I step on, my entire day shatters. I preach it's just a number...but after my complicated history...I can't stop. My happiness will often lie in if I am having a "fat day" or "skinny day." I am perpetually trying to lose weight. I want people to notice and comment if I look thinner and pray they do not notice if the scale has gone up. I feel that people judge me when I tell them my profession. Even though I have worked so hard to be where I am, I feel ashamed to tell them what I do; that I'm not good enough, that I don't look the part.
When will our society stop with the insanity that thinness is beauty? When can the insurance companies, drug companies, and doctors stop being money mongers and let diseases be cured. When will people stop being so cruel? I have a feeling the answer to the last question is never. How else can you feel good about yourself unless you are making someone else's day hell?
"Be Kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about."
-Cashier's do not make the rules at the store
-Fast Foot workers have feelings too
-The Bank Teller did not steal your money
Who can you be kinder to today to make our world a better place? Maybe it's yourself.
I started running the summer after my Freshman year in High School. The reason I started running is another post altogether. Where my story begins today is my Junior year in High School.
1997. Young. Beautiful. Smart. Talented. And 100lbs. I should never weigh 100lbs.
The journey to this weight was a twisted vortex of control. I wore a size 2. It's unfathomable to me how sick I was...and how I still wanted to be thinner. Except...it's not really off my radar. To be thin. It's always there, a faint voice that can still shout doubt and depression into my core.
I shall reveal to you much more of this story that sadly too many other men and women know all too well at another time. Where I'd like to take you today is what happens after you starve yourself and exercise to death for years...to where I am now.
Believe it or not, I sit here today as a Fitness Professional. I have a Bachelor's in Exercise Science and a Master's in Public Health. I have been teaching group fitness since 1999 and have been a personal trainer since 2002. My internal battle of eating and exercise has never stopped; I've just learned to be a better General.
In college, I began to notice that something was wrong. I was eating well and exercising correctly and kept gaining weight. I was exhausted, sluggish...I wasn't me. I kept making appointment after appointment to see the doctor's at the student health center. I knew in my heart something was wrong with my thyroid. Test after test said no. But why was this happening to me?
Finally after graduate school as I landed my first "big-girl" job, I found a new family physician. I actually went in due to a knee injury but ended up saying something about my troubles nonchalantly. He said he wanted to do some tests, to which I replied, I've already had all the tests. Not this one, he told me.
About a week later, after a long five years, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Basically I have antibodies in my thyroid that have decided my thyroid is a foreign object and has been slowly trying to kill my thyroid over the years. Hashi patients suffer because sometimes our thyroids spit out thyroid hormones and sometimes it does not. Many of us suffer severe hypothyroidism symptoms; such as myself. I now take a thyroid replacement every morning. I have my levels tested ever 4 months. And my roller coaster ride is never ending.
When I was at my lowest weight I felt powerful. Yes I was very sick. I was angry all the time. Hangry really. I was depressed. I thought everyone was out to get me. But I had control and it felt amazing. I've never forgotten how that feels. I crave it but my body works every second of every day against me.
The thing about Hashi's is you are on hell of a ride of the rest of your life. Even though I take thyroid hormone, my levels fluctuate most likely on a daily basis. Lots of the time, I feel great. I have energy, I'm happy, I'm healthy. Other times...not so great. Fatigue that I can't even begin to explain. Unmotivated. Depressed. The hardest part, for me, of having Hashi's is the weight fluctuation. It seriously does.not.matter. what I do, my body will gain and lose weight at it's will. I exercise most days of the week and my husband will tell you I'm a Ninja. I can eat like a rabbit or like a bear...it doesn't matter. I have no control.
I live in a world of getting ready to step on the scale, feeling good, and once I step on, my entire day shatters. I preach it's just a number...but after my complicated history...I can't stop. My happiness will often lie in if I am having a "fat day" or "skinny day." I am perpetually trying to lose weight. I want people to notice and comment if I look thinner and pray they do not notice if the scale has gone up. I feel that people judge me when I tell them my profession. Even though I have worked so hard to be where I am, I feel ashamed to tell them what I do; that I'm not good enough, that I don't look the part.
When will our society stop with the insanity that thinness is beauty? When can the insurance companies, drug companies, and doctors stop being money mongers and let diseases be cured. When will people stop being so cruel? I have a feeling the answer to the last question is never. How else can you feel good about yourself unless you are making someone else's day hell?
"Be Kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about."
-Cashier's do not make the rules at the store
-Fast Foot workers have feelings too
-The Bank Teller did not steal your money
Who can you be kinder to today to make our world a better place? Maybe it's yourself.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Throwback Thursday
It's been quite some time since I have written a post. I have been thinking about getting back to it...and just had not found my door until this week.
I have a heavy heart and mind. Early this week I found out my Dad has cancer. Again. This will be his fourth bout. His first cancer was bladder. Then came thyroid. Then came kidney. I think that's the order. My father has no thyroid and only one kidney. The doctors have pinpointed this cancer to either be bladder or kidney. If it's kidney...well, Dad will most likely get one of my kidneys. We are all hoping for bladder, if you can hope for a type of cancer.
Obviously this has me thinking quite a bit about lots of things. The one thing I know is that I am not ready for my Dad to be gone. While it might be scary to donate a kidney, if that is what it comes to, I will gladly do so. This is what families and loved-ones do for each other.
So why the title Throwback Thursday? Because I find myself swimming in old family memories. I remember changing my nephews' diapers. I remember liking the brownie batter off the beaters. I remember Crabs the dog. I remember my first bike.
Before I dissolve into a puddle of tears, this post is taking a left turn.
I remember my brothers Matt and Mark playing WWF with me as the stunt-woman.
I was young...maybe five? Matt, Mark, and I visited Dad every other weekend. (Not to detour, but Matt and Mark are my half-brothers and we only saw each other during Dad weekends.) It was a Dad weekend in the 80s. WWF was IT. I don't know if really knew what in the world WWF was but I wanted to play with Matt and Mark and I wanted them to love me. So...I volunteered as tribute.
Being a WWF tribute consisted of Matt placing me over his shoulders and spinning in a circle as fast as he could, for what seemed like forever. (For the record, super fun.) THEN I would get thrown on the floor or water bed and Mark would drop a 'bow on me. (That part? Not super fun.) I would always end up crying and then Matt and Mark would get in trouble. We would all get mad at each...and then in about 20-minutes I would ask for a helicopter ride...rinse and repeat...
While my family and upbringing is anything far from traditional I love all my memories and lessons learned. I would give my kidney to any one of them. I miss those younger days, I miss my family being closer. But just because we are far apart in distance doesn't mean they are not as close in my heart.
I've never been super close with any of my family, in the terms I think many families are. But I hope they all know they are held closer in my heart than they think. Even if there has been blood and tears in the past.
I have a heavy heart and mind. Early this week I found out my Dad has cancer. Again. This will be his fourth bout. His first cancer was bladder. Then came thyroid. Then came kidney. I think that's the order. My father has no thyroid and only one kidney. The doctors have pinpointed this cancer to either be bladder or kidney. If it's kidney...well, Dad will most likely get one of my kidneys. We are all hoping for bladder, if you can hope for a type of cancer.
Obviously this has me thinking quite a bit about lots of things. The one thing I know is that I am not ready for my Dad to be gone. While it might be scary to donate a kidney, if that is what it comes to, I will gladly do so. This is what families and loved-ones do for each other.
So why the title Throwback Thursday? Because I find myself swimming in old family memories. I remember changing my nephews' diapers. I remember liking the brownie batter off the beaters. I remember Crabs the dog. I remember my first bike.
Before I dissolve into a puddle of tears, this post is taking a left turn.
I remember my brothers Matt and Mark playing WWF with me as the stunt-woman.
I was young...maybe five? Matt, Mark, and I visited Dad every other weekend. (Not to detour, but Matt and Mark are my half-brothers and we only saw each other during Dad weekends.) It was a Dad weekend in the 80s. WWF was IT. I don't know if really knew what in the world WWF was but I wanted to play with Matt and Mark and I wanted them to love me. So...I volunteered as tribute.
Being a WWF tribute consisted of Matt placing me over his shoulders and spinning in a circle as fast as he could, for what seemed like forever. (For the record, super fun.) THEN I would get thrown on the floor or water bed and Mark would drop a 'bow on me. (That part? Not super fun.) I would always end up crying and then Matt and Mark would get in trouble. We would all get mad at each...and then in about 20-minutes I would ask for a helicopter ride...rinse and repeat...
While my family and upbringing is anything far from traditional I love all my memories and lessons learned. I would give my kidney to any one of them. I miss those younger days, I miss my family being closer. But just because we are far apart in distance doesn't mean they are not as close in my heart.
I've never been super close with any of my family, in the terms I think many families are. But I hope they all know they are held closer in my heart than they think. Even if there has been blood and tears in the past.
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