I was eight years old the first time I thought I was fat. Third Grade.
In kindergarten I was voted the smallest kid in class. I seemed to always be one of the smallest kids in class. In third grade I did put on some weight to get ready for a growth spurt. Almost every kid goes through that stage. Kids are cruel. I was no longer the smallest kid in class. I was a fat kid.
I really wasn't fat. I was completely normal. How an eight year old gets the idea in their head that they are fat. I really can't tell you that. I just remember feeling bad about myself. Being ashamed of my body. Wanting to hide in the back of groups. The outgoing redheaded girl started to back far away from the limelight.
In fourth grade my body awareness grew. In fifth grade I hated my body. I hated gym class. I tried to stay home from school the day we had to get weighed in gym class. I was going through puberty. Of course I was going to start to grow hips and breasts. I hated it. I felt ugly. Fat. Unlovable. All the other girls were getting their first boyfriends. I didn't think a boy could even stand to look at me without being disgusted.
On to sixth grade and more of the same...although I did start trying to do more in gym. I was beginning to find out I was pretty coordinated. I even managed not to get picked last for teams during gym. I held secret crushes and cried myself to sleep wishing I was thin and popular.
In seventh grade I tried out for cheerleading and when I didn't make the squad I tried out for volleyball and basketball...I didn't make either team. For some reason that game me a lot of motivation. I practiced my cheering everyday, sometimes for hours.
In eight grade my dream of becoming a cheerleader came true. All my hard work paid off. I wasn't even the biggest girl on the team. I felt great...until basketball season. They didn't have a skirt that would fit me. I had to have mine made. I can't even tell you the hurt and the tears over a skirt. Why I couldn't have just really thought about it...every body is different. They just never had a cheerleader that was my size before. It wasn't a big deal. Nonetheless my pool self-esteem and self-image continued to drop lower and lower.
I went to High School and made the Frosh squad. Little chubby me...I really was the best jumper and cheerer on the squad. I had so much heart, dedication, and passion. I practiced outside of practice. I loved being a cheerleader and the slight confidence boost it gave me. Then the Varsity Homecoming game happened. (Which you can ready about in a previous post.)
The summer going into my Sophomore year I began to run. I would run/walk my way from our apartment to the Junior High where there was a gravel track. I would run lap after lap, not stopping until I could finally run an entire lap without stopping. I practiced my jumps every night. I purchased a MTV Grind dance video and would do the routines over and over.
I lost 40 pounds that summer. I was so proud of myself! I fit into a JV skirt! I was feeling so amazing...until school started. What I wanted more than anything in the world was for someone to say to me "you look, great, or WOW you've really lost a lot of weight." But no one said anything to me. So I thought I looked the exact same. So my exercise habit became an addiction. And I could never truly see myself in a mirror.
To this very day I think of myself as a fat, ugly girl. I place a lot of my self worth on my pants size. I struggle with my self worth due to the number I see on the scale. Everything I do in my job, helping people to lose weight an accept themselves, I can't do for myself. I constantly am reminding people to forget the scale, set goals that deal with accomplishments not associated with weight, and to remember that health and fitness is about having HEALTH not wearing a certain size. I BELIEVE every one of those words. I PREACH every one of the words to people. Yet I still cannot take my own advice. When I finish teaching a Zumba class, my number one thought is how I looked in the mirror. I beat myself up with thinking that my participants have to wonder why I'm so fat. To this very day, I can't eat anything without feeling some for of guilt, ugliness, or fatness.
Yes I've gone to therapy, yes being more positive and nicer to myself is something I work on every day. Some days are good, some are just ok, some are down right awful. Even though this is something I wish dearly I could change about myself, this is part of who I am. I believe it makes me more sensitive to others. I think it makes me a better fitness professional. It give me empathy and compassion. I have been super overweight. I have been so sickly thin. I do have a lovely curves and a few extra pounds. Even though I struggle with accepting my body, I can honestly tell you that where I am right now is the happiest I have been all my life. Why?
I have a husband that loves me unconditionally. I have parents that love me unconditionally. I have a job where every day I get to make a difference. I have great health. I can move and do anything I set my mind to. I have a home. I have the best pet in the world. I have supportive co-workers. I have chosen friends that bring me up instead of bringing me down. All of this has NOTHING to do with how much I weight or what size I wear. All of this has to do with LIFE. I am able to have a happy life because I have health. That is my message.
It will never be about the number of the scale. It will never be about the clothes you wear. It will always be about the life you make.
(***I would like to take a moment to say to all those girls that made fun of me during Junior High and High School, if you have children, I encourage you to make sure your kids do not repeat your same mistakes. Your comments and actions haunt me to this day. Even thought I can never forget, I forgive each of you and I truly hope that you are able to see how your actions effected other. I hope that you have the sight and self-examination to be sure your children rise above bullying.)
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