Mind Matters Most

Mind Matters Most. Yes, yes it does.

It is no secret that the past two years have not been terribly kind to me. Yes, I got a great new job, for a steep price. First a big move from Dayton to Columbus. House on the market for a year and a half; finally paying $14,000 just to get rid of the headache of dual bills. My mom, not working, constantly needing support. My dad, fighting cancer yet again. Death. Stress. Panic Attacks. Depression.

I’ve been dealing with some heavy shit. I’m not ashamed to say the past three or four months have been the worst. There comes a point in time when the mind has had enough. Especially when you are a highly sensitive person with a tremendous amount of empathy and caring (plus throw in a Type A personality) and sometimes you are going to get a shit storm.

Yes. Mind does Matter Most and I think it’s a tragedy that time for taking care of and healing the mind is basically non-existence and worse, a stigma.

I’m not afraid to admit that earlier this month I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I was scared. Hell, my husband was scared. I just felt like the world was caving in on me and I was suffocated and really  felt like nobody gave two shits. I felt tremendous pressure to keep steaming ahead and was seriously hurt by comments from people in my world that I just needed to make a decision and get on with it.

It’s not that damn easy.

When I began this Yoga Teacher Training journey I will never forget as I emailed Jen panicked she said the greatest thing about this process is that you are going to learn you are perfect exactly the way you are. I’m beginning to believe she is right.

My mind has been through a lot. Thinking, processing, learning, introspecting; without rest. My mind never rests. How is that ok? Why is it that the state of our bodies get all the attention? Why is that that where we are in space in time, what we look like, where we go, and what we do matters most? My mind is tired. It wants a break, it wants to be understood, it wants to be loved, and it WANTS to matter most.

I know this and I am going this to make my mind matter the most to me. Meditation, yoga, accepting that I need to explore different medication; I’m on the right path. But still what is the best part of me or you does not matter. Trying to take care of yourself, especially with any type of mental illness, is just not acceptable. That is bullshit. Though all of this when I reached out to professionals and when I reach out for help and was put on the backburner or told it’s going to be a week. I thought, damn. Good thing I’m not about to off myself. Our mental state is not given enough attention and I believe that our mental state is the key to living a long, happy, healthy life.

When we are happy, relaxed, healthy and laughing all of sudden problems that arise do not seem like such a big deal. Taking things personally just stops. Kindness is a byproduct. Productivity rises. We act out of love instead of fear. All of these things come directly from the mind. If the mind is not rested or decompressed we let fear take over. Fear turns into anger, hate, depression, anxiety and so much more.

From now on not only does my mind matter most, but I matter most. I’m a person just like you with real thoughts and feelings and aspirations. I want to be accepted for who I am on the outside AND the inside. I want to find my way home.